Tuesday 25 June 2013

Is there a bad mother?


When you become a parent, more specifically a mother two things invariably happen. One you become an invisible member of all parents groups in the world and two your life becomes an open book for everyone and anyone to judge and give advice.

In my last 4.5 years of being a mother, I have been judged, criticized and applauded for same practice innumerable times. Each day as a parent I encounter parenting specialists who have a ready-made solution for everything. These specialists include my neighbors,  my maid, friend of a neighbor,  relative of a neighbor,  friends, Aunties from my building, Uncles from my building, Aunties on the road, Uncles on the road etc etc....

Parenting is a specialization that doesn’t require any professional knowledge. Infact you don’t even have to be a parent to judge and pass advice to other parents. As long as you have eyes and you know how to talk, you are eligible to advise, criticize and comment.

As a mother I am always trying my best like all mothers and as a mother I do not appreciate advice from people who are not parents or who have not brought up kids...young, old..I don’t care. If you have not experienced parenting in any form, you have no idea what is right for my kids. Do not stand from a distance and judge others, if you have guts jump in and then we will talk. I don’t mind experienced advice. But what I do mind is “Being forced to take the advice”.

I should have the freedom to decide whether I want to take the advice for my kid or not. All recommendations stemming from experience are welcome but still it doesn’t give a right to anyone to judge. And I shouldn’t be expected to follow all advice.

No mother is a bad mother because she decides differently from you or she does things which are not accepted norms.



Again what is accepted in one family/circle/society/religion is different from others. So in effect every mother will be a bad mother by some criteria or other.

Earlier I thought because I am an inexperienced mother that’s why may be I am a vulnerable target but second time around, no such reasons. Same advice, same recommendations and same judgements. It doesn’t help that I have a 4 year old very well behaved child who eats well, sleeps on time, is socially active and physically fit (Apologies for bragging).

I do try to not let this affect me too much but there is so much clutter of information that it does reach me, there is so much judgement about everything that it does make me question my decisions.

Parenting and motherhood is one of the most difficult jobs in the world and every child is different. With so many judging eyes any mother is bound falter, to make mistakes. I really urge everyone to please step back and give us a break. I truly believe in my heart that every mother has her kid’s best interest in her mind. Give her the benefit of doubt, Let her be.

"I am struggling, getting up, falling down, learning and unlearning each day as a mother. Don't cast a shadow, just help me grow"

Image flicker

29 comments:

  1. This was superb. You have exactly mirrored my thoughts especially in the last couple of days. Here's my take -- I do not need ADVICE especially if you give it to me and mean to demean me in some way. Even if you sugar coat your words... Firstly, I am very much in tune with the requirements of my 2 1/2 year old child. I love her and she loves me. I am the one facing and handling any issues that are arising and I am strong enough to handle them in a way that suits my child the best. If you want to give advice, let it be sincere, let it be without judgement and let it be meant to help me / my child without showing your superiority.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Poornima :) I have been facing this for years and initially i really listened to everything and everybody but gradually realized that my child is different, my situations are different hence I cannot follow everything. And ofcourse I know what is good for my kids.Even now I don't mind any suggestions, what I do mind is...people expecting me to accept all suggestions and judging me for not doing it...

      Delete
  2. In my view there is no thing called Bad Mother..of course the world sometimes criticize you,finds fault in you but a mother always care and fight for their children's well being.At least this what I learnt from my mother...I am sure you will grow to be a good mother..Good Luck in bringing up your child...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey thanks so much dear :). I am learning on the job :D

      Delete
  3. There can be bad mothers I am sure. But the mothers of our generation are better informed. We are trying to do our best. And yes, I am open to solicited advice from friends who may not be parents but who are sane and logical. But if you give me judgmental crap, I may ignore you (if you are lucky) or give you a lashing. And yes, everyone and their dog judges parents these days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rachna I agree, there are exceptions. Yes we are trying to do our best and there are times when we will go against accepted norms..that is when the main problem arises...I do give it back many times but there are times when I also end up questioning my decisions!!

      Delete
  4. Agreed, completely. Very well put. I have always wondered why you call yourself 'JUST a Mom' when being a mom is certainly more than that. And that you know, and experience every passing day of your life. Loved reading this post so much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Sakshi thanks. "Just a mom" because there is nothing wrong in being just a mom. I got fed up of all the questions when I decided to quit my profession..Why do you want to be just a mom etc etc. You are right..being a mom (or just a simple, plain jane mom) is an experience filled with so many moments that even a lifetime is less to describe it...Hence I am happy and content in being just a mom!

      Delete
    2. I totally relate to that, and understand! :)

      Delete
  5. Very well written. I agree that most mothers try extremely hard to do their best for their children and as in any other case there may be mistakes and triumphs in the process.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THanks Priya. I am glad you could relate to it :)

      Delete
  6. nice read juszta mum, i think its the circumstances and stuff, maybe..........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Aliasgar..It can be circumstances which are different for everyone :)

      Delete
  7. Looks like you forgot some people. Watchman, neighbour's maid, laundry guy, shopkeeper and mall attendant. Would you believe I once got advice from a roadside beggar! (kaan dhak lo bacche ke nahi to sardi ho jayegi!) :-/ great post! keep 'em coming :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha A beggar really?? Well you beat my record hands down Gauri!

      Delete
  8. I agree with you 100%. There's no such thing as Bad Mother as every mother strives hard to give the best to her children.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sfurti,Reading you I felt I should mention this thing because of the Title Bad Mother..
    I somehow witness a bad mother in my neighbourhood (which although looks a decent family..) but the mother uses slangs when angry and the kids getting beaten up and harshly punished is a regular thing ... i feel sorry for the kids for the kind of torture they go through in the name of parenting .. while studying , playing or even sleeping.I am an outsider ..and have no say in it . But bad mother exist for sure and I feel she takes her frustrations out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know I agree with you...There are some exceptions but I sincerely hope these are only exceptions. I hope these occurrences are small and rare!

      Delete
  10. Sfurti, don't let Aarav play too much in the playground. He will get sunstroke :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pankti I will follow your advice right away!! :D

      Delete
  11. Haha..yes, people will always stand with advice and suggestion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Diwakar and will make you go nuts :)

      Delete
  12. I so agree with you on this. Advices If forced is just EGO and nothing else :) So nice to read similar thoughts :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bad mothers are those blogger-momz who don't accept guest post from willing blogger-friendz :-X

    ReplyDelete

Leave Your Mark