Children are not trophies

Being a parent I am a part of lot of official and unofficial parents' groups, I interact with a lot of other parents and with each interaction and with each parent, I see the race increasing, the need to prove that their child is better than your child. I am not generalizing here I have seen this enough number of times to call this a phenomenon amongst parents.

Children are brought forward and their each and every..even trivial accomplishments spoken about in high pitched voices in almost all parents’ gathering I attend these days. What happens when this happens?

Or you can ask what is wrong if this happens? If the child has accomplished something then why not blow your own trumpet in front of the world? I say...There is nothing wrong in doing this sometimes. I also do it and I ask every parent to please go ahead and praise your kids for their achievements which are important. But if you do it for every small thing, please pause and ask few pertinent questions.

What are you celebrating..your child's accomplishments or your child's accomplishments as compared to other children?

If the answer to above question is that..you are not comparing your child with anyone else but you like to talk about everything he/she excels in, think again.

A simple poem written for the first time or the first sentence framed on their own will also be achievements. But what if they do it after most of their friends have done it? What if he/she is the last person in the class to grasp a new concept? Will you still celebrate these achievements?? If yes..please go ahead and do it for things which you think are important. Not every line drawn, not every word spoken is a milestone to be shared with the world, right?

If you celebrate each and every small thing your child achieves, don't you think this will put a lot of pressure on your child? He/She would be under immense pressure to perform and to excel/succeed in everything. It creates a ripple effect. The more you will talk about their small/little accomplishments, the more you will expect them to succeed in everything. The more you will expect from them, the more pressure will be there on them.

Once you start shouting out loud and displaying them as trophies..it increases pressure on them and on you because now they are expected to perform everytime. They are expected to not fail every time. Parents become a part of this trap, it becomes a cycle which is difficult to break and kids become a mere prey in the game, a mere trophy to showcase.

If we continue doing this every time for every little success what will happen when they don’t succeed?

How will we feel when every other parent is talking about how well their child is doing in maths in their class and we know our child is lagging behind. If you are a parent who is use to of displaying your child like a trophy, you will put unnecessary pressure on your child to perform. The motive will not be to make him learn and understand the concept, the motive will be to make him win, make him come first in this ongoing race. And if you are a child of such parent what will be your frame of mind. You would be terrified of failures, you would be petrified to face your parents for every missed question and every wrong answer.

Yes we should be proud of their accomplishments, yes we should motivate them, encourage them but do we need to do it for everything and do it every time we see other parents? Are we trying to prove that our children are better than other children everytime? What is the need? Really?? Why?? Why do we care?

Shouldn’t we also tell them that it is okay to fail and fall sometimes? Infact they should fail so that they learn how to stand up and succeed through failure.

As a parent I am also tempted so many times. I know my child is doing well and there are times I do talk about the things he is doing well but I don’t want him to think he is better than other children in everything. Because he is not. So I don’t do it every time. I do it for things that I know are important for him, things that are really big to be spoken of atleast once.

When he does lags behind I do feel a little off, get a little upset but I move on and focus  on him learning the concept, even if he is doing it last in the class. Why am I okay with it? Because I have not created unrealistic expectations around my children.. I do talk about their accomplishments but I prioritize. I define. I keep it under certain boundaries. I also accept it is not easy, we love our kids and it is so nice to talk about their accomplishments, to praise them, to see others praise them but what came as an eye opener for me, was a look at such kids who were under a lot of pressure, who were trying to outdo other kids, who were competing not only with other kids but also with themselves, trying to outdo one achievement after the other. A look at their face every time they do not succeed, every time they fail will break your heart.

I will try my best to keep my children away from the rat race. I don't know how long I will be successful in it but I will try. They are not trophies, medals to display...they are my children, my champs and like me they excel in few things and they are not good in others. I am completely okay with it. 

It is their life, their accomplishments, we are a part of it. Their life is not about me but about them.

They have to be prepared for failures, hurts and tears. And we have to be there everytime when they fall. No we cannot fall when they fall, we can’t rest when they rest. It is not about us when we are with them. It is about them. We cannot make it about us, it will never be.

Children are not trophies or medals, they are not our property to be displayed.


Image credit here