Dear Ma

Dear Ma,

I am writing this letter to you, to tell you that I am free, finally. It took me decades to reach here but I did.

Just to clarify, I have no complaints (big) from you as a mother. You did your best; you had limited resources, no support and I understand that. You literally raised us single handily. But growing up I do not remember a time when I was not aware of your physical limitations. Initial few years of my life, I detested the handicap. I wanted my life to be normal like others but it wasn't. I don’t know when I started owning the handicap. I don’t remember when your physical limitation became my mental block and I started living in my limited world. I never thought I had a life. Your life was my life and your story was my story. I decided to live your story and your pains. All my losses were a reflection of my failure as a daughter and all my victories were just stepping stones for a better life for you.

I don’t know when my life became an apology for your life.

Only thing I remember is not enjoying anything; always working ten times harder than anyone else around me. Only thing in my mind was to make your life better somehow. It may sound strange that a child was working hard for her parent’s future but that was my reality. A reality I never questioned.

I don’t think it was your fault. I don’t think you even realised what I was doing. I don’t think you wanted it like that but I was like that for years and you never did anything about it.

I still remember the day, when for the first time I enjoyed just being on my own and laughing out loud. And I also remember the wave of guilt that came over me in the next few seconds. I ran home and sat next you crying for hours, feeling like I have committed a crime. That incident made sure I remain in my shell for many more years to come.

It took me years to realise that it is okay to be just happy, for no reason, just because you don’t want to be unhappy. I still remember when it happened. It just happened. I was just too happy and my heart refused to be sad. The laughter started from somewhere deep in my gut. I could feel it rising and travelling through my veins, bursting through my pores, reaching my heart and finally releasing me from my prison of thoughts.

I never went back to my old self. It took me years but I gradually found my own path, which of course was inter connected with yours but it was not the same. It was my path. It was my story. It was my life.

It was liberating, to just live. I didn’t know life like this earlier. May be that’s why I live each and every second of my life now. I have so much to do, so many years to make up to, so many emotions still to feel and live. Every second matters. I laugh and cry like there is no tomorrow. I am free, just like you are. You will always have me. But I will not live your life.

I am me, no more an apology of you, just me and being me is great!

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I am participating in the 30 Days Letter Challenge where you write one letter each day. The 3rd in the list is a letter to ‘Your Parents’