7 Things My Parents Taught Me

Growing up like any other child I was taught a lot of things, some were taught forcibly and some I picked up consciously and unconsciously. A lot of these things are a part of who I am today. These lessons shaped me, made be better, made me wiser and may be miser but I am grateful to each and everything that they taught me. So many lessons from so many chapters of my childhood, each different but each paved a new way for me. I have tried to summarize a few that I think are the most important things my parents have taught me.

1) Independence: Since as long as I can remember, I remember being independent. I don’t remember anyone telling us to be independent, we were independent. Even during my early childhood I remember doing all my chores on my own. There were times when I hated doing it but for some reason I never thought there was anyone else who would do it for me. And not only physical or financial independence, my parents taught me to be emotionally free. To not be dependent on anyone for any kind of support even in my toughest days. I will confess that I am not as independent emotionally as I was earlier; I tend to depend a lot on my better half but that is only because I can.

2) Hard work: There was never a short cut for hard work for me growing up. Any short cuts were noticed and we were made to do things again. So I learned hard work and I soon enough realised I was the type who needed hard work.  However I do think now that hard work has to be clubbed with smart work but every time I take a short cut even now I could sense my mom looking at me with a not so happy look.

3) Fun: We were a house full of non sense. In our daily life there was so much fun and drama that we never needed television. There were numerous hours of fun and games. No restrictions and no forced timetable.

4) Accountability: We were accountable for our own actions. I remember my mother checking my bag and asking me to do the homework but that’s about it. I do not remember her running after me for anything. We were responsible for our things. I do remember a lot of times not doing the homework  and then getting wacked in school but that taught me to be accountable for my own actions.

5) Speak your mind: Three of us [Me, My bro and My sis] were always asked to speak freely, ask questions. Questions were our best friend. We were never scared to speak our mind in front of anyone. This continues even now, I wear my heart on my sleeves and I am not scared to speak my mind. It does back fire sometimes but I can’t mince my words and I don’t see the need also.

6) Listen: As much as speaking your mind is important, it is also important to hear others. There are times when you do have to shut up and let others speak. I have a very patient ear and the credit goes to my parents. We were encouraged to debate a lot and one of the traits of a good debate is to listen to the other point of view; with an open ear and mind.

7) Budgeting: Like every child we also had pocket money; till we grew up.But along with that we were also exposed to prices of different things. I knew the price of everything I wanted and I would save and purchase. It not only gave me immense thrill and pleasure; it also taught me financing and value of money.

These are a few important things that my parents taught me and I hope I am able to pass them on to my children. What are the things that you were taught? Which one affected you most?

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st - 7th September 2013. This is my second post written for it..

7 Things My Kids Taught Me

First day of a new chapter in my blogging journey, a 7 day festival dedicated to writing. During these 7 days I will be sharing my learnings from 7 different roles that I play/have played in my life.

What better way to start than with my children? Being a parent has been a wonderful and blissful journey. It is one of the most difficult yet most easy roles I have ever played. I am learning each day as a parent. There are some things that circumstances have taught me, some things other parents have taught me but my biggest teachers have been my two little cuddle puddle, my kids.

1) Be a kid: One of the biggest lessons my children have taught me is to be a kid. Have fun, enjoy, live each moment, fight and makeup..Be a kid

2) Unconditional love: No amount of punishment, no threats, no mean looks could deter away the lovely kisses and hugs of my kids. It doesn’t matter if I am upset or they are upset. It doesn’t matter whether I did [read bought] what he asked for, at the end of the day, the day is never over without a big sloppy kiss and a big bear family hug.

3) Patience: Being a parent takes a lot from you. Specially traits like personal space and patience. I do lose patience quite a lot but I am also surprised how much I can ignore stained walls, toppled milk glasses, dirty clothes and illogical antics. I never thought I was made for this but here I am smiling and cleaning away to glory.

4) Be kind: My elder one is one of the kindest souls I have ever met. He has taught me this virtue. He doesn’t differentiate; he is kind towards me and towards the household help also. He loves hugging. He hugs everyone he meets, even our building’s sweeper [Not kidding]. Since sweeper knows this, he cleans himself and waits for my son when he goes to school. That one hug brightens his face like a big huge diwali lantern.

5) Smile more: Absence of smile in our house is always taken as a frown. It doesn’t matter if you were absently looking at the wall and thinking but if you don’t smile, it is assumed that you are upset. So we all smile...a lot. And it does brings in a lot of positive energy in our house. We are a loud loud house with lots of giggles and laughs.

6) Let go: I have learnt to forgive, forget and let go. This is a very simple virtue but something very common in all the children. It has simplified my life. I have learnt letting go is one of hardest things to do but once you learn to do it; it gives you wings.

7) Cooking: Last but not the least I have taken up cooking big time now because my elder son is a big foodie and I do not want him to eat out a lot. Hence I am learning almost everything under the sun for him and enjoying it also.

These were a few things that my kids have taught me. I will be glad if you can share with me the things your children have taught you [If you are a parent] and if you are not a parent, then things that you think you have learnt from kids around you.

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st - 7th September 2013. This is my first post written for it..

Rachna Says

Who is an entrepreneur?

Someone who can dream, who has the courage to start fresh, to take risks and capability to grow & succeed.

All these words resonate with the person I am going to introduce now. 

(C) Rachna Says

Rachna Parmar [“Sometimes, silence connects in a way words never can!”]

“A professional content writer and an entrepreneur & co-owner of Tranquil Software Solutions. She is also a founder of RachnaSays a personal blog where she shares some part of her life.”

Rachna did Bsc in chemistry, followed by MBA from NMIMS. After which she worked in brand management for few years before taking a sabbatical to be with her kids.

She is a doting mother of 2 boys age 6 and 11. It was during her sabbatical that her blogging journey began.

What is entrepreneurship?

Turning a dream into a clear idea and converting the idea into a successful business.

What was the dream?

The dream was very hazy. It was born on an afternoon dipped in kids’ antics and a need to be free. The dream started as Rachna’s personal blog Rachna Says. A chronicle of her journey, bits and pieces scattered yet saved. Reserved and preserved by her pen. It was a start to a long beautiful journey.

What was the idea?

Pen is mightier than tongue. Words are sharper than knives. Rachna’s pen gave way to her foray in content writing. She was and she is a very successful content writer with many national and international clients. But she did not stop at that. Her penmanship and her marketing experience coupled with her husband’s amazing conviction, confidence and ability gave birth to a unique idea. An idea to break the barriers and to make technology accessible to everyone.

What is the business?

“Tranquil Software Solutions Pvt. Ltd”

Behind every successful man is a strong woman. Lets us relook at this proverb. Success goes hand in hand with strength, especially when chased with your other half.

Around 3 years back in March 2010 “Tranquil” was born as “Smart Solutions” a sole proprietary.  It was later converted into a company. It was formed with a vision to provide affordable internet solutions that would make many lives easier. Rachna is the Director of the company. She handles content writing, Marketing and accounts including all liaisons for the company.

In recognition of Tranquil's long term goals and in its ability to achieve them, it was accepted as a Microsoft BizSpark Member.

It is an organization dedicated in the endeavour of helping technology reach a common person and to help him/her enhance the quality of his/her life. The company mostly works with employees on contract basis. They employ people and give them flexible options to work from home. They encourage stay at home mothers and other professionals who prefer flexibility and work from home option.

It takes a lot of conviction and courage to convert one simple afternoon dream into something this big.

Rachna stands as an inspiration for all of us struggling OR may be not struggling in our mundane lives, content or not content with our mundane lives, BUT with a dream in our hearts. Her story inspires, her words encourage us to follow our dreams, to shed inhibitions and to push our boundaries.

She is one of the reasons I am blogging right now. I continue to dream because of her and I know there are many more, especially women who look up to her.

She may not be the face of any obvious social change but she is one of the women who are leading subtle revolution in women empowerment.

She has many facets and many achievements I would love to talk about all of it. She is one of my inspirations. I have read almost everything she has written and if I could, I would write endless chapters on her. But I can’t hence I delved in some of her facets; some of the things that I think would describe her.

[Written for the Indiblogeshwaris Ladies Independence Special Contest in association with http://womenentrepreneursinindia.com/]

Who wears the pants?

Well this is a rhetorical question right? But we do give a lot of importance to pants..Don’t we? If a person is a professional working in an office he/she has to be in pants and if a person is not in pants/suits but in pajamas or in this case salwar suit playing with a kid, he or in this case specifically she is judged as non-working homely home maker aka housewife. And isn’t it surprising that she has E-MAIL in her mobile??

Oh My Dear Lord!! A salwar suit wearing, playing with her kid type has an E-Mail facility in her mobile. This is shocking!! Yes the advertisement hits a shocking node. This is breaking news...She can afford an E-Mail because it is available only for Rs 1 per day. Oh My Lord..Dear Lord!! What a life saver for homely home maker!

This advertisement gave me goose bumps. Literally I sat up straight and saw it multiple times. Every time it took me to another level of disgust. I normally don’t pay much heed to ads. They are mostly hideous, part of a race, trying to outsell each other. And in the process out-sell every moral and ethic in the book. I have been a part of the process, seen things take shape quite closely and hence I am more disillusioned.

But this ad took being judgmental to a new level. Look at all the elements. The lady who is obviously a working professional gives a skeptical look to the other lady who is homely poor woman with a child, not wearing pants . Literally the look tells us she is already looking down on the other lady for no reason.

Even when the homely lady who doesn’t have anything better to do, offers help; the lady in pants gives an incredulous look and says something that qualifies as a taunt...big time.

And Voila!!

What happens?? The lady in pants is proved wrong because the homely lady [Not in pants] has an e-mail facility in her mobile, which she can easily afford now because it is so cheap. Otherwise how will a homely lady with a child [Not in pants] be able to afford such facility?

Oh My an E Mail!!

This advertisement speaks volumes about the judgements prevalent in our society. We mark people and roles in water tight compartments and refuse to believe otherwise. We follow what is convenient and everything that is different is not convenient. So we pick up stereo types, don’t fight them, rather sell them and sell our products through them.

I know marketers draw their target audience [TG] and define them as a single person. So in this case who was the TG? A 30 something homely home maker playing with her child, who otherwise won’t be able to afford an e mail facility but is now using it because it is cheap. So now she can help an office going professional [in pants]. But my question is what is the basis of this TG definition?

Do they really think there are these two type of women?? And through this ad they are reaching this identified type??

I am not sure how many homely non-pant wearing females would relate to the advertisement but I really really want the marketing brains behind this ad to come and live where I do.

I would love them to see some of us home maker aunties with kids roaming around in hot pants with our i phones/ i pads, checking e mails and FB and speaking in ENGLISH.

Oh My GOD...maybe next they can try and sell some English speaking courses to us. If e mail is so unexpected from us, then English speaking courses are gold mine.

Common teach us English Mr. Marketer!!

A Day Through My Nose

I got up in the morning, stretched my arms and smelled my palms, then hugged myself. The biggest baddest hug possible; then I closed my eyes and felt her. My mother is always around me especially in the mornings, though we live 1000 kms apart but there is something that has kept us connected.

When I was moving out of the house my mom told me to hug myself every morning, like I use to hug her when I was with her. She said she is in me. And this way I would be able to continue our morning hugs even when we are apart.

I tried doing it but in the starting I just couldn’t feel her. I didn’t know what was missing and I called her and said may be you are forgetting me, maybe that’s why I can’t feel you when I hug myself in the morning.

She laughed and told me to close my eyes, open my senses and my palms and smell them before the hug. And then take a deep breath and hug again.

I closed my eyes, smelled my palms, they smelled of her. The smell of our shared love of cocoa body butter blended with a whiff of gulabjal just like her. I could smell the haphazardly cleaned turmeric stain from my dress last night, just like her. Yes she was there in my smell, in my habits, in me. I hugged myself and I could feel her warmth around me. From that day onwards I have always felt her presence around me.

Warm and sunny, like a bright Sunday morning

There you are pulling me out of the bed, yelling in my ears “Good morning”

Rise and shine and take on the world

I am there with you, always holding your hands unnerved

As I walked towards the kitchen, I saw you keeping the tea to brew as always my love. The Kettle whistles and lets out its steam and the kitchen was filled with an aroma of fresh and mint

Fresh and minty just as I like

My first cup of the day always with you

Parle G dunked and licked

Newspaper opened and flicked

I close my eyes and sip through the memories

Of each cuppa shared with you, each sip divine, each memory exemplary

My life, my love, my other half

Just then it started to rain, I ran and opened the balcony.I felt the rains on my face and closed my eyes. The smell of rains and the sound of water gushing down took me to memory lane.

Last few days with you

We walk down our favorite lane

And just then the rain gods came

People ran and got shelter

We ran and got wetter

Spicy chat and sweet Popsicle

Spice burns and sweet tickles

Our last alone day together

My sis, my love, my saviour forever

I came in completely drenched relishing the memories and picked up the towel. I wipe, sniff and snicker. The towel smells flowery. It smells of spring. It smells of lily and rose together. It must be the new washing powder I laughed and said it out loud. How nice, flowery and wonderful. Just like our weekly trips to the temple when we were kids. How funny is our mind, how weird is our memory? My pink fuchsia towel takes me to a trip of the pious land, our family temple.

Petals and petals of flowers

On the lane leading to the temple

A look at the face of Shri Ganesha

And my heart trembles

I sing loudly, songs in your praise

My trust in you strong, my believe never strays

After this I head out to the kitchen with a head still wet and a heart still warm with so many wonderful memories. Wanting to make something special that would make this day more precious; I started looking around the cabinet. And saw my spice rack. It looked inviting filled with spices, colors and memories.

The turmeric....It reminds me of my endless coughs and sneezes followed by a glassful of yellowed milk

Red Chilly...I take a sniff and get teary eyed. It reminds me of all the gol gappas we had in a blink 

Garam malasa....I open the bottle and the kitchen is filled with memories of Sundays; spent on the dining table waiting for Mom’s special Chicken Masala and our finger licks.

I smiled at the memories and added all the love flowing out of my heart to the food. A sumptuous lunch and a long afternoon nap later I got up feeling all refreshed and bright. As I walked through my house tidying everything, I realised every object around me has a story. Not each story is important but it is still a memory.

A deodorant brings back college memories,

A sniff of room freshener brings the first date back

The rose incense stick burning brings back the memories of our wedding night

Fresh cut mango takes me to that summer afternoon of first kiss

Whiff of freshly fried Samosas reminds me of the treat I gave from my first salary

The smell of something burning reminds me of the first burnt chapatti after my wedding

So many more moments, memories countless, immortal living through our sense of smell

There are some moments that would remain lost like a hazy or a lazy memory somewhere in our brains but weirdly our sense of smell gives them life. It makes them more vivid, more colourful, and more nostalgic. So many things, so many smells, so many memories alive and throbbing forever through our nose.

This post is my entry for “Smelly to Smiley” contest at Indiblogger sponsored by AmbiPur India

Pain

What is this sharp pain? Where is it coming from? I can’t bear it. Where am I? What is this loud sound? Who is singing this loud?

I opened his room’s door and saw Ansh singing out loud, with ear phones as usual plugged to his ears.

“Please stop! I will go deaf and with your superb voice I will lose all sense of rhythm and tunes very soon”. I said tearing off that thing from his ears. I detest touching it for even a second. What is with this generation and their love for weird things? It gives me creeps, looks like a live wire or a weird creepy crawly stuck to his ears.

“Maa please let me be. Why can’t I do what I want in my room? And you are my mom, you are not supposed to discourage my singing like this. Didn’t we see that program on discovery together? You can demotivate me from singing and music like this forever. You will scald me from music like this”

As soon as Ansh says it we both burst in laughter.

“Okay I will not scald you for life. Now will you please be a good boy and run to the Kirana shop and bring me some onions right now. No onions at home and Mr and Mrs Shrama are coming for dinner. Please do this first and then go back to your horrible yelling you call singing.”

“Maa one last song and then I will go promise” Ansh says and hugs me tight.

I feel a warm glow at my 18 year old son’s hug. Warm and fuzzy feeling...but what is this pain, this piercing pain. I can feel it starting from my heart and spreading all over. Wait, Why is Rohini running around?

“Rohini come here please” I yell at my 10 year old daughter. Stop running away and take your cough syrup now. You don’t want remain sick? Do you? Common!!”.

She looks at me and runs in Ansh’s room. As I begin pacing towards their room, I could hear deafening laughter, I peek and see Ansh trying to catch her. And finally she gives in and takes the syrup from Ansh’s hands.

Both of them together Ansh taking care of Rohini like a parent fills my heart and my eyes. A tear trickles down. Why am I crying? No, I can’t bear the pain. Please someone help me. Please. I want to yell and cry loudly but I am not able to. I can feel warm gush of tears flooding my face. Why am I crying? This is a party? Why am I crying at the party? This is my home.

Ansh comes in with a large cake and I don’t know how many candles? I am still surprised and can’t believe this was all a prank, a joke. I seriously thought they had forgotten my birthday. I sulked the whole day and missed Raman. I kept thinking of all my birthdays when he was alive and kept crying in my room, only to be surprised in the evening with this party. They didn’t forget, it was a prank. All this while they had one of the biggest bashes planned for me. I still can’t believe how many of my friends and family members are here. Yes turning fifty is indeed special.

“Happy Birthday to you Ma” Ansh and Rohini sing loudly and smash the cake on my face. Why is it hurting? They didn’t hurt me, it was a soft touch. Why is it hurting so much?

I am trying to cross the road. There is so much traffic on this road today. I am going to be late now. I should have left a little early; I knew how important today’s performance was for Ansh. This way I will stand on this side of the road the whole night. I throw caution out of the window and decide to cross the road. A lot of honking and a loud screech......And then there is pain and darkness.

I can’t feel anything else except this pain. This pain has taken over all of my senses. It has spread to my whole body. It is gut wrenching, it is tearing me apart. I feel like pieces of me are falling one by one. Now the pain is also leaving with my parts one by one...and gradually it is reducing. I am feeling light, weightless, almost like I could fly.

I am flying...I look down and see my lifeless body lying in a pool of blood on the road. I want to feel sad. I want to feel the remorse for leaving my kids alone but I am feeling light, feeling content. No pain, no remorse.. I am floating, moving towards the light and I feel myself dissolve...part by part..fraction by fraction. And then bliss!

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Writer's note: This is a short story about a woman, who meets with an accident and as she is lying in pain on the road, her life flashes in front of her eyes. She relives some of the moments from her life before giving in.

What does gender has to do with it?

Everywhere we go we are judged on various things, examples can be a stranger on the road judging us on our clothes, shopkeeper judging us on our wallet, neighbours judging us on our TV brand and model, neighbourhood aunty judging you on the hours you reach home etc etc but the most common and most rampant thing I have been judged on is my gender.

Growing up in a middleclass house in a small town, surrounded by various aunties and uncles, me and my sister were used to of being judged on our skirt lengths, our lone travel in the city, our night outings (beyond 7pm is night there) etc. But as soon as we would reach home we knew the gender was left outside our door. There was no room for gender in our house. Three of us had equal right, equal privileges and were entitled to equal spanking.

We were told again and again that we are what we are, as good as our abilities, as big as our dreams.

We were not girl or boy, we were students, children, friends and above all we were human.

As we stepped out of childhood and started taking little steps in the world on our own, we saw the gender becoming bigger and bigger around us. Girls were barred from doing many things. Things as simple as you can’t stand at the corner of the neighbourhood lane if you are a girl and god forbid if you do insist on doing it either you would be subjected to inane comments or whistles by boys or taunts by some aunty about being a shameless girl.

But we always thought we will soon grow out of it, grow out of the city, out of the people. We always thought what our mother said was right...some day when we will have an opportunity we will prove our mantle and we will be as good as our ability.

Soon very soon I stepped out alone in the world and took it with aplomb. I was successful beyond my dreams also and I had forgotten about my gender or rather I never thought my gender would have to do anything with my career but I was wrong.

Here comes the gender again!!

I was taunted again that I was successful because of my gender not because of my hard work or abilities.

I tried to forgive and forget the first instance but it kept happening again and again. It started reaching me, hurting me and hence I decided to tone down my gender. How did I do that?

I started dressing more neutrally, off went my pretty dresses, awesome fit shirts, my shoe collection etc. This went on for quite sometime and I thought this ought to shut up people because I don’t even look pretty but again I was wrong. It continued!

It is still continuing.....I am not working in an organisation now. I am not a part of any company. I am sitting in my ugly pajamas at my ugly table and writing but still I am being judged for my gender.

For some reason I thought this world would be different. Writers would be different, they would be more evolved. Anyways pen doesn’t have a gender or so I thought.

No here also gender is there. It is as prevalent as any other place on earth and it did get to me again. But I am glad I soon realised that if I would let this affect me now, I am not being as good as my ability, I am being as good as their judgement.

So here I am announcing....

"I am an attractive woman, a yum mum and a blogger. None of these are correlated and I will not apologise for any of it.

You can attribute your failure to your gender but I will not attribute my success to my gender. Rather every step I take here is a tribute to womanhood and every woman I know.

Should I apologize for being a Stay At Home Mother?

I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys; just this statement is lending me into so much trouble these days. It is like there is something wrong with me being at home with my kids. Everything that I am saying is being judged with the context of being a stay at home mother...I am doing something grossly wrong; something that would affect my and my family’s future very badly?

Yes that is what I was told!

Funny thing is I decided to stay at home not for my child but for other reasons; some other responsibilities. This decision was taken 2.5 years back but I continue to live with the decision. Yes I have an option of going back to my professional life right now but I don’t want to.

My younger one is 1 year old; when my elder one was one year old I was already in office. Working from 9-10; yes I was putting in that many hours to overcome the gap that my maternity leave of few months had created. But it went on; I continued to work like this. I loved my job. In process I had climbed the stairs of success in my career quite quickly but I had missed my son’s first steps; first words and first almost everything.

This is what I am enjoying right now with my younger one. I am there; there to experience this wonderful stage. And is there any other place I would rather be?

No absolutely not!

But my decision to be a stay at home mother; is it a judgement on working mothers? No ofcourse not!

It is my decision and it is my life. If another mother is working; it is her decision and her life. There will be ten thousand reasons for me to be at home and there would be ten thousand reasons for you to be in office. Not each reason is justified but who am I to judge and question?

I have said it again and again; I believe every mother is a good mother. Situations can be different; people can be different; children can be different but a mother will always be a mother (I am excluding exceptions here).

I really really dislike being judged and commented on for being a stay at home mother. And I dislike when people say it has no merits. Ofcourse it has merits; I have been on both sides and I can say with 100% confidence it has merits.

Please don’t take away the merits by calling them logistics. They are not logistics. These so called logistics can be managed by others; I agree but saying that there is no merit when a mother does them; I disagree.

I am educated, independent and have an open mind and I am sure all the time that my kids are spending with me is helping them and creating a better base for them. I am teaching them things that I know others can also teach but I am their mother and ofcourse I am doing it better than others.

Don’t take away my efforts by calling them worthless. They are not!

Please don’t look down upon me and tell me I have done injustice to myself; my education and my career. Being a stay at home mother doesn’t make me a better mother and similarly being a working mother doesn’t give an upper hand to any one.

A mother is a mother. When did it become Working vs. Stay at home?? And Why?? What is the constant need to prove superiority over the other section?? Is this the only way we know how to rise; by looking down on others?? Is this a way a working mother justifies her decision; but why is there a justification needed? And stay at home mothers; why do we call ourselves “not just a mom”; why should we clarify? What is the need for clarifications?

Yes that is why I am just a mom. I don’t see the need of any other clarification and I don’t see the need of any tags to add to my role. My role is a job definition in itself.

Have you ever heard anyone say “Not just a manager? Or Not just a CA? Or not just a lawyer etc?” No right?

Then why should I define my role any further. I am a mother and if I have any other qualification to share; I may share or I may not but I will not justify my role as a mother.

One of the other things that I have been told again and again since I quit my job is that my kids will never learn to be independent because I am at home. I beg to differ!

I was brought up by a stay at home mother and I am furiously independent since as long as I can remember. My mother taught us the value of hard work and being independent and I am passing on the same values to my children inspite of being at home.

I am independent inspite of being mostly home bound and my 4 year old is independent inspite of me being stay at home. I do not want to brag about him and the things he can do on his own because it is not important. What is important is to understand that same values can be taught by being at home and not being at home also. But the amount of time and effort each will take would be different. And ofcourse being at home makes my journey more colourful and filled with more memories.

At the end of the day I am just a mom.....why should anyone care if I am working or not?

Disclaimer: The above writeup is my personal opinion. It is not targeted to any individual; working or not working. I request everyone to read it in the same context.

Children and TV

As a child I remember I use to watch TV on Sunday mornings with a dose of Donald Duck and Mickey mouse. This restriction was not only because of lack of options on TV but also I never thought weekdays are for watching TV. No one in the house would watch TV on weekdays except for news at night and Rangoli on Wednesday (I think).On Sunday all of us had different time allocated to watch TV. Mornings was ours, afternoon was my mom’s and evening movie was for all of us. Nights for Dad.

Image credit telegraph.co.uk

When I became a parent few years back, there was a long list of “To dos and not to dos” for my child in my mind. One of them was not allowing too much TV time to my kids. But was I able to do it?

No I was not. It was not easy, I was a working parent and he was much calmer and easier to manage while watching TV. So I thought I will allow it for a little while, he is too small/young to form habits but I was wrong, he had gotten addicted to TV and cartoons.And when I finally realised it, he was about 3.5years. A 3.5 year old with a very strong mind and personality, hence just telling him to not watch the TV suddenly was not working.

This raised a question..Should I completely stop him from watching TV? And if not how much is okay? And how do I change the habit?

I asked around and I was bombarded with contradictions. Most of them said that children should not be allowed any television but their children watch because they can’t help it and there is no alternate entertainment etc etc. Hence though it is not okay, still I won’t be able to stop him. Hence I should let him be; maybe he would grow out of the habit on his own.

But I didn’t want to let it go. I decided to learn with my own experience. I was sure if I work would with him I would be able to come up with a balance. I didn’t want him to never watch TV. Why not? But I wanted a balance.

With a lot of efforts and hours put in with him, I can proudly say he is not addicted to Television any more. He is 4.5 years and does have a favorite cartoon character but it is limited to stories and he understands the difference between television world and real world.

After a lot of trial and error the plan that has worked for almost 6 months now and is still working is this:

Ten stars

I don’t know how I came up with this concept. I am sure it was through surfing on the internet but this is what works with my son. Though it was devised for TV viewing, I follow it diligently for good and bad behaviour and it works like magic.

In a week he has to earn atleast 10 stars in order to watch television. If by Saturday he has earned 10 stars he is allowed TV for 1 hour. (Nonstop, with no interference and breaks)

If he earns more than 10 stars, with each star his time increases by 15 minutes (this rarely happens, most of the time he just about manages 10 stars)

When I started the plan, in order to encourage him to participate in it and to motivate him; I use to give him a star for every small thing that he would do correctly. Like brushing his teeth properly on his own, at correct time would yield him a star earlier but now it has become a healthy habit for him and I have increased level of difficulties for him to earn a star.

These are the activities at my home that earns him a Star:

1)Following correct routine for brushing, bathing, keeping his clothes in the laundry basket, getting ready for school, keeping his things at their place and cleaning his room at day end. All these things done correctly would yield him one star, daily!

2)Eating his meals on his own. Finishing all the meals. One star, daily.

3)One good deed (this I have started only now). Since he is not even 5 this is a difficult concept for him. I have brought it down to a simple and uncomplicated level. He needs to either help me or one of his friends or his brother or any uncle/aunt in carrying out any task. Again one star daily.

In order for this system to work I am very particular about:

1)Following it diligently and not letting it go.

2)Being strict about stars. He has understood that he has to earn the stars. No amount of pleading or buttering would work.

3)His dad is an equal partner in this and most of time he doesn’t give in on his buttering J 

4)If he has earned 10 stars, I make sure that he gets his TV time as promised. (Even if Patidev wants to watch TV, he has to wait)

Along with this I also think children learn a lot from parents. We are not a big television viewing family. I think this is also helping me in establishing a good habit. He doesn’t see us watching TV, hence he never questions why is he not allowed?. But if you do watch TV at home, make sure to lead with a good example. Show restraint in front of children, they will also learn and will show restraint when asked for.

All kids are different. There are different things and different concept that would work with them. This has worked with my child but it may not work with yours.Also I am a stay at home mother; so its easier for me to look after small things. It may be difficult for a working mother.

 But I do urge every parent to keep trying. There are always ways and concepts that would eventually work with your child. Just telling them no and expecting them to follow may not work everytime. I believe we should strive for a balance between being strict and being creative.

Things that can be handled in a creative way; may look difficult in the starting but with a routine it gets easier and saves a lot of headache later.