Dear Ma

Dear Ma,

I am writing this letter to you, to tell you that I am free, finally. It took me decades to reach here but I did.

Just to clarify, I have no complaints (big) from you as a mother. You did your best; you had limited resources, no support and I understand that. You literally raised us single handily. But growing up I do not remember a time when I was not aware of your physical limitations. Initial few years of my life, I detested the handicap. I wanted my life to be normal like others but it wasn't. I don’t know when I started owning the handicap. I don’t remember when your physical limitation became my mental block and I started living in my limited world. I never thought I had a life. Your life was my life and your story was my story. I decided to live your story and your pains. All my losses were a reflection of my failure as a daughter and all my victories were just stepping stones for a better life for you.

I don’t know when my life became an apology for your life.

Only thing I remember is not enjoying anything; always working ten times harder than anyone else around me. Only thing in my mind was to make your life better somehow. It may sound strange that a child was working hard for her parent’s future but that was my reality. A reality I never questioned.

I don’t think it was your fault. I don’t think you even realised what I was doing. I don’t think you wanted it like that but I was like that for years and you never did anything about it.

I still remember the day, when for the first time I enjoyed just being on my own and laughing out loud. And I also remember the wave of guilt that came over me in the next few seconds. I ran home and sat next you crying for hours, feeling like I have committed a crime. That incident made sure I remain in my shell for many more years to come.

It took me years to realise that it is okay to be just happy, for no reason, just because you don’t want to be unhappy. I still remember when it happened. It just happened. I was just too happy and my heart refused to be sad. The laughter started from somewhere deep in my gut. I could feel it rising and travelling through my veins, bursting through my pores, reaching my heart and finally releasing me from my prison of thoughts.

I never went back to my old self. It took me years but I gradually found my own path, which of course was inter connected with yours but it was not the same. It was my path. It was my story. It was my life.

It was liberating, to just live. I didn’t know life like this earlier. May be that’s why I live each and every second of my life now. I have so much to do, so many years to make up to, so many emotions still to feel and live. Every second matters. I laugh and cry like there is no tomorrow. I am free, just like you are. You will always have me. But I will not live your life.

I am me, no more an apology of you, just me and being me is great!

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I am participating in the 30 Days Letter Challenge where you write one letter each day. The 3rd in the list is a letter to ‘Your Parents’

Why?

She could feel the black, the cracks and the pores on her skin through which the smoke was coming out. She could smell the fire that was engulfing her whole being, inch by inch, part by part. She could hear the laughter coming from the other room; the laughs were filling her soul and were coming out as her muffled screams. She closed her eyes as her whole life ran in front of her, from her loving childhood, to her marriage, to her monstrous husband and in-laws and a tear fell through her eye, just one tear drop as she spoke her last words.

“Mom, why did you send me back?”

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Being A Girl

Scared and in her own

Walking on the side

Walking with head down

Just walking on the road

Too shy to look up

Too nervous to share a glimpse

This is how she was brought up

To be proper and be prim

To look down

And not have a voice

To just walk on the road

Shown by others

Just walk in unknown of known

She always feared

Not someone else

But herself

Coz she was aware

Aware of her rising desires

Aware of her persistent thirst

Of knowledge

Of questions

Of reasons

Of whys?

Why was she treated like that?

She was born a girl,

So what?

Being a girl,

Was it that bad?

 

She knew it was only a matter of time

Her voice will find its way out

Her life will change forever

She may not be able to survive the tyranny

If she did

She may not be able to survive the irony

Of being finally free

So she was scared

For the future

Black or white

Dark or Bright,

Will come only

After a huge battle

A lone war

That she may not survive

(C) Juztamom

Shared with NaPoWriMo.

Image credit here

Some of the fellow participants:

http://janakinagraj.com/  – Janaki

http://jaibalarao.com/   - Jaibala

http://poojashridhar.blogspot.in/ – Pooja

http://andiwrite.com/ – Count

http://ponderingtwo.blogspot.in/ – Rohan

http://advkaranshah.blogspot.in/ – Karan

http://www.rinzurajan.blogspot.in/ – Rinzu

http://artofleo.wordpress.com/blog/– Vinay

 http://thoughtspop.wordpress.com/ – Nithya

http://viewsofpreethib.wordpress.com/ – Preeti

http://whilethecoffeebrews.blogspot.in/- Naina

Z For Zzzzzzzz

anything for you

love you to bits

an extra hour of Zzzzzzz

Z for Zzzzz

When I was thinking about what to write from Z, many things came to my mind “Zen, Zillion, Zebra etc etc” but nothing struck a chord better than Zzzzzzzz. I have been sleep deprived for more than five years. And I am not the sleepy type or rather I use to be, not the sleepy type. For me just an uninterrupted sleep of 5 hours is normally enough in a day but it has been so many years of not even getting that continuously, so I really really miss it. I am waiting for those days to come back, when I can be in bed for hours and hours and get up as and when I want to. One of the side effects of being a 24/7 mom I guess.

Are you a parent? Do you love your sleep? How many hours do you think you can sleep at a stretch? I think I can sleep for as long as full 24 hours if I get uninterrupted sleep!! :P

To check out my theme for the challenge click here.
To know more about the challenge and to participate please click here

Alone But Not

Warm glowing in the heat

The thirst that never quenches

The burn that never burns

She held tight

With all her might

Hoping against hope

To remain united forever

Still longing to be free

Free

To wistfully flow

In the air

To become one with

Many others like her

To be her own lover

But how could she

She was born

Where she is now

She was always the part of it

Together they have seen everything

The heaven falling from the sky

The rains soaking her from inside

The moisture of love

That is eternal

Yet would leave her alone

The white descending from above

Covering her whole being

Erasing any other color

Yet being serene

The orange, the red

The yellow and green

Of beautiful spring

Abundance of love

Though she should be happy

But she remembers being aloof

For spring marks the beginning

The beginning of the end

The warm scorching heat

That feels like a blast

On her face

That fills her with warmth

Enough for her to survive alone

That gives her the signal

It is time to go

With a shock she moves

Fearing she might fall

But the wind carries her in her arms

Taking her to the dream

Where others were waiting

Who were just like her

That’s how she became a part

Of the yellow gold stream..

She was no more

A lone golden leaf

(C) Juztamom

Writer's note: The poem is in the voice of a leaf, which is dreading autumn  and is reminiscing all the seasons gone by. But in the end it cuts the string and becomes one with the golden stream of leaf. 

Shared with NaPoWriMo.

Image credit here

Some of the fellow participants:

http://janakinagraj.com/  – Janaki

http://jaibalarao.com/   - Jaibala

http://poojashridhar.blogspot.in/ – Pooja

http://andiwrite.com/ – Count

http://ponderingtwo.blogspot.in/ – Rohan

http://advkaranshah.blogspot.in/ – Karan

http://www.rinzurajan.blogspot.in/ – Rinzu

http://artofleo.wordpress.com/blog/– Vinay

 http://thoughtspop.wordpress.com/ – Nithya

http://viewsofpreethib.wordpress.com/ – Preeti

http://whilethecoffeebrews.blogspot.in/- Naina